Dear Bec: My daughter is friends with a bully …

Hi Bec

I’m hoping you can guide us!

My 10 year old daughter has a long standing friendship with one girl.

And a newer friendship (nearly 12 months), with a girl newer to school.

She loves both friends, but they are very different.

The new friend is actively bullying the old friend (they aren’t in the same friendship group at school, my daughter usually goes with the new girl unless she’s absent then she’ll revert to a different group). The new friend has many diagnoses and is on behavioral plans etc. She can be violent. She cooked the old friend today over a dispute about a rock everyone wanted to play on.

So far or daughter has been staying out of it, but it affects her, seeing her okay friends upset by the new friend, who can be quite nasty with her words (your top of my hate list etc). But when they are one on one together they are a magnificently great fit, have highly intellectual conversations that they can’t have with the other kids (they are both quite bright), make zines together, etc.

Should our daughter keep staying out of it? Stick up for her friends when they are bullied in front of her? Tell the new friend ‘that’s not okay’, and walk away/tell a teacher? Will that risk the behaviour being targeted at her (I think that’s her worry).

Please advise of you have a video for this kind of tricky situation.

Many thanks,

Sam

Dear Sam

I’m not a parenting expert or a child psychologist so take my advice with a grain of salt. I’m just a parent. Like you.

But here’s something I learnt during my time on the Queensland Government’s Anti Cyberbullying taskforce … a person’s background can EXPLAIN their behaviour but it shouldn’t be an excuse for it.

What I mean by that is a child having trauma in their background, or diagnoses or a sick parent or their dog died or a host of any other things can EXPLAIN why they might be behaving in anti-social ways but it shouldn’t be used to excuse it.

Because the kids who are getting bullied by your daughter’s new friend are then having their own experience … perhaps then not wanting to go to school, being scared of going into the school playground or the school bathrooms or whatever it is.

Am I making sense?

I also think part of being a good friend is standing up for our friends when others are being cruel to them.

My father once said to me “You don’t love people in slices.” He meant that just because someone is great with you doesn’t mean you can overlook them being routinely rude to waitstaff in a restaurant or a cruel boss. You have to look at a whole person.

That said, I’m also not trying to condemn the new friend who can be a bully. She sounds like a great kid who is struggling with appropriate behaviour in group settings. And I’m sure she’s working with a psychologist or therapist on those things. Maybe it’s worth flagging what’s happening with the chid’s teacher so she can pass it on to the girl’s parents?

So what can your daughter do?

I think this is where boundaries come in.

Your daughter notices the new friend bullying other kids and says, “Hey, that’s not okay. I love playing with you but I’m not okay watching you be cruel to Sally.” And then turning to Sally, “Are you okay?”

So you call out the behaviour and then turn your attention to the person being targeted to check in with them.

You don’t have to be dramatic. Or angry. You can be kind and strong. It’s essentially “I’m not okay with what’s unfolding.”

This scenario sounds very ‘primary school’. But I actually think this happens over and over throughout our lives.

It’s the Year 12 friends who suddenly want to ditch one of their group from their Schoolies plans.

It’s the 13 year olds who float the idea of ignoring the new student to their cohort.

It’s the parents who bitch about other parents in WhatsApp groups or in car pool lines.

It’s the moment you have to think, “Hmmm. Am I okay with what’s happening in front of me? Do I want to be a part of this?”

Sometimes for a whole host of reasons we say nothing and stand back because life feels more peaceful that way and WE DON’T WANT TO GET INVOLVED.

But life is about getting involved.

And sometimes a simple “I think we should invite him.” or “Nah, we can’t dump them – that’s not cool” or “Wow. You’re clearly having a bad day” is enough to reset a situation rather than allowing someone to be targeted.

Anyway – that’s just my two cents.

I come from a neurodivergent family. I am very much aware of how social skills can be difficult for some ND kids. But I just don’t accept that it’s ever okay to ignore bullying because someone has challenges in their life. In that situation — all the kids involved need support. And maybe it starts with one child setting a boundary and saying “Nope. This isn’t okay.”

What do you think?