Why you should be nervous if your child is in the “popular group” at school …

If your child tells you they’re part of the TC group at school — I want a warning flare to be going off in your head.

I want you to start leaning in and really paying attention to how your child speaks about and treats their peers. I want you to ask yourself if it’s possible that your kid may be one of the ‘mean kids’ at school. And if they are one of the mean kids – I want you to be CONCERNED about that.

Let me back track for a moment.

TCs (stands for ‘too cool’) and is the name given to ‘the cool group’ usually in Upper Primary and high school (typically grades 7-10).

TC groups may be at the top of the social leader board at school HOWEVER they operate in a really unhealthy way.

Here’s how TCs operate …

1. They see their cohort as a hierarchy with them at the top and are invested in staying at the top (which means using strategies – bullying or relational aggression – to keep others below them).

2. TCs often have rules. LOTS of potentially unspoken rules. Where you can sit. Who you can talk to. Even how you wear your hair. If your group has lots of rules — that’s a red flag. They’re not interested in being friendly with everyone in the cohort. It’s very much ‘who’s in’ and ‘who’s out’.

3. They can be very good at fooling adults. Because they’re strategically bright and charming in front of adults and CERTAIN peers. But they tend to use relational aggression (exclusion, rolling eyes, mocking, laughing, whispering etc) to others when adults aren’t in the room.

4. There’s a clear leader in the TCs and you’re not allowed to have a different opinion from the leader. That’s another big warning sign. If the leader says something or someone is lame — you all agree with it.

5. You feel like you could be kicked out of the TC group at anytime. Unhealthy friendship groups make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells — one wrong move and you could be dumped. There’s not always a huge amount of loyalty in these groups and it’s actually very stressful being in them.

6. You have to choose between being loyal to the group and being loyal to your own values. It’s a lonely place to be when you’re betraying yourself in order to fit in.

But don’t all kids want to be popular? Aren’t the TCs just popular?

Well ….

It’s helpful to understand that there are two different types of “cool” or popularity at school.

1. Status popularity (think Regina George’s group in Mean Girls)

You have visibility, influence and social power (this includes social media followers and likes)

You have a type of ‘celebrity’ status

People are afraid of you and don’t trust you

Your behaviour is aggressive and domineering

You don’t listen to others

You weaponise belonging (If you’re not with us, you’re against us)

You mock or make fun of your friends and others

You are focused on being better or superior to others

You burn trust by putting yourself first

It’s very isolating because you can’t be vulnerable as vulnerability is used against you

You can be charming and friendly to adults and a select group of students at times and exclude and belittle others.

* People who are high status popular in high school are more likely to be anxious and depressed and experience addiction as adults and are less likely to have a stable job

and

Likeable Popularity (think Zendaya, Harry Styles, Hamish Blake)

People feel good when they are with you

They feel safe with you (if they screw up – they don’t worry that you’ll use it against them)

They trust you

You are not aggressive

You’re a good listener

You’re good at waiting your turn

You don’t dominate /bossy

Everyone feels valued and welcome around you

* People who are likeable do better socially and academically at school. But they also get better jobs, earn more money and have better quality relationships later in life, better health and a longer life!

Anyone still reading?

Some households have cool as a currency. In other words, your kids being cool is very important to you. Some parents really prioritise wanting their child to be in the popular group or TCs at school.

If that’s you — think about why that is. Maybe you think school is easier if you’re at the top of the tree. I’m not sure it is, though. And also — I think we should care about the price being paid by other kids. .

It’s not just ‘teens being teens’ if your child is monstrous at school. And I’m a little tired of hearing how parents are being told their kids are behaving in awful ways towards their peers and parents are just shrugging it off.

Ultimately, TCs are disliked by their cohort and if/when they fall on their face, there’s not much support waiting for them.

We want to prioritise teaching our kids to have likeable qualities which is all about being kind and empathetic, being a team player, being fair and acting with integrity.

It’s better for everyone.

I highly recommend reading Dr Mary Kaspar’s The Popular Girls for more on this very topic!

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