Sunday Mail Column 20 December 2009

SUNDAY MAIL COLUMN FOR SUNDAY 20 DECEMBER 2009

So you’re either counting down the number of sleeps til Christmas OR counting down the days until your therapist is back from holidays. Like it or not, we’re on the home stretch to 25 December. Now since it’s Christmas, the season for giving, my gift to you is a last minute how-to-cope advice column.

So here we go, my top eight survival tips for Christmas Day.

Tip One:  We all like to multi-task BUT Christmas Day is not the day to also stage an intervention on your brother just because the family all happen to be together.  Do not say, “Brian, we’re here today because we’re all concerned about how much you’re drinking. Now who wants potato?”

Tip Two:  When there’s a pause in conversation, do not say to your single thirtysomething cousin Marie,  “Tick tock Marie, you’d better hurry up and have a baby.”  Marie will punch you.

Tip Three:  Ditch the diet. Enjoy Christmas and go the whole hog. (Not literally. I’m not advocating you eat glazed hog).  Have a serve of pudding. Have the stuffing and the gravy and the potatoes.  If you can’t indulge at Christmas, when can you?   Okay, Boxing Day. But after that it’s back to the low-carb, Israeli army, liver detox cleanse all the way.

Tip Four:  Do not regift. Unless you have removed all the evidence.

Tip Five:  When your Dad asks you to snap the wishbone with him, do not close your eyes and mutter, “I wish Uncle Frank would go back on his medication”.

Tip Six:  So you have to take “home-made” biscuits to the Pre-Prep Christmas Extravaganza but you’re exhausted?  Buy a nice big packet of biscuits from the bakery, wrap them in your own cellophane paper and voila! You have homemade biscuits. Who’s going to know? Just you and Santa.

Tip Seven:  Do not get drunk and ring your ex-boyfriend on Christmas Eve. And if your call goes through to his answering machine, DO NOT sing “Last Christmas” until the tape runs out.

Tip Eight:  If you have a choice between playing Monopoly and watching A Very Brady Christmas after dinner, choose the latter.  Monopoly always ends in tears.  However A Very Brady Christmas provides a wonderful opportunity for family bonding. You and your family will be on the edge of your seats wondering if Mike will survive the building collapse. (I don’t want to give the ending away but lets just say the benefit of having a gentleman’s perm is that it acts a bit like a hard hat).

Merry Christmas!