When Your Child Has Been Dumped By Thier Friendship Group …

In December my friend Fi* came over for a Christmas catch-up on my back deck and ended up bursting into tears.

We were just having a general conversation about the slog of getting kids through school (both socially and academically) when she said she’d run into a “school mum” acquaintance at Woolworths the day before (so 22nd December) – they both have girls in year 7. After exchanging a few pleasantries about Christmas plans, the other mum said, “I’ve hardly seen Abbey* these holidays. She’s always out with her friends – she has a better social life than I do!”

And my friend Fi smiled and said “Oh yes, same with Bella” and then she went home and burst into tears.

Because her daughter Bella * has been home every single day of the holidays so far with not a single invite to anything or anywhere. Her friendship group just on a whim has apparently decided to drop her and she has no clue why. The group chat has gone silent. No-one is responding to her messages. And she knows they all went ice-skating because they “accidentally” posted some photos of them all into the old group chat before quickly deleting them — not before Bella saw the photos of course.

Anyway.

My friend Fi just had a big cry to me about the utter heartbreak of watching her daughter be excluded from a friendship group and all the big emotions that come with that for Bella. All the “What did I do?” and “Why won’t they talk to me?” and “I’ll apologise if they just tell me what I did wrong” and “Why doesn’t anyone like me?”

If you’ve been there yourself as a teen OR your child has — it’s so incredibly painful. I mean – think about it – being dropped by your friendship group is right up there – I think – as one of life’s most brutal experiences.

So there are some tips I shared with Fi with how to help Bella these holidays:

1. Fi (the mum) needs to NOT escalate the situation by saying things like “Those girls are b*tches. You’re better off without them etc etc” This doesn’t help. It’s like pouring petrol on a fire. It makes the feelings WORSE. So no denigrating the other girls. And no snooping on any existing social media accounts. Instead as parents we need to just listen with empathy and remind our kids that they will always be loved and feel like they belong here at home.

2. Make home the safe, soft place. If we can’t feel safe at home, where can we feel safe? So make home the place your child feels safe and loved. Small micro gestures are everything — a hot chocolate on their bedside table. Buying their favourite snacks. And (I think) stepping up the family time is crucial. Keep them company during this tough period — movie days, walking the dog, going for a swim, cooking together. Whilst parents shouldn’t be their kids best friend — now is a time your tween or teen might be feeling those real pangs of loneliness. So some quality one-on-one time doing activities they LOVE with no parental lectures thrown in — is a good idea.

3. Help connect them with old friends or new ones. Arrange some catch-ups with old family friends, friends from outside of school or cousins. This helps remind your child that they do actually have other friends in their life who love them! Outside of the school bubble they have friends and an identity! Lean into that and see if you can help them make any plans for those basketball or drama club pals they like. Similarly the school holidays is a great time to sign up to some clubs or workshops centred on activities your child loves. Maybe it’s an art class, horse riding, drama, youth group … whatever it is … this is a great way to meet other kids with a shared interest.

4. Step away from your phone. If your child has a smartphone and somehow still has social media — practice putting the phone AWAY (Incharge Box’s are great for this!) Lying around scrolling social media and seeing everyone else living their best life (even if you know it’s smoke and mirrors) just plays with your head. And if your child uses SNAP MAPS – GET THEM OFF IT. That app just plays mind games with kids’ heads. (If you’ve never heard of it – tweens and teens can have real-time location tracking of each other’s movements which means they can see when their friends are hanging out without them. DELETE IT!)

5. Don’t start drama cyclones with or about the old group. Don’t ring them begging to be let back in. Don’t leave crying voice mails. DROP IT. It’s highly likely they WANT to see you distressed – so don’t give them that satisfaction. And don’t start talking to other kids about your old friendship group and how mean they are — that’s just starting a drama cyclone which will make the situation WORSE. So no begging and pleading. And no starting gossip. You’re going to let it go and move on. Don’t give your old group the satisfaction of finding out that you’re devastated.

6. Mums – now is not the time to go to your mum friends and debrief with them about this situation. Zip it. If you need to talk to anyone — choose parents whose kids who don’t go to school with your kids. The mum grapevine is STRONG and you sharing personal stories about your daughter’s heartbreak or your own anger at the other parents – could only inflame the situation.

So in a nutshell, we’re going to …

• Let your daughter be sad about what’s happened.

• Lean in to helping her feel loved and supported at home because home is where she will always belong.

• Remind your daughter NOT to contact the old group and don’t start telling other school friends about what her group did to her. No starting drama cyclones.

• Have her focus on connecting with old friends, family friends, cousins and hanging out.

• Encourage her to be brave and join a club or youth group to make some new friends outside of school.

• Remind her that 76% of grade 7 friendships don’t last the first year of high school! Change is NORMAL. Friendship groups shift and change. People leave and later come back. Remember the old “reason, season, lifetime”. Not all friendships are meant to last the distance and that’s okay.

• Step away from the smartphone and social media.

One of my life’s missions is to teach kids, teens and adults HOW TO BUILD friendships. Friends, I believe, are the secret to having a wonderful life. So let me help your child find their way to great friendships.

Did you know you can get instant access to tips and advice to help tweens and teens find terrific friends? Click here to read about my webinar What To Do When You Get Dumped By Your Friends

PS Names changed to protect identities!