“The mean behaviour has to stop …”

On Friday I received an email from a school asking for help with their year 8 cohort of girls. There was a culture – they said – of meanness towards one another.

That’s the seventh email I’ve received just this year (and it’s still February!) from a school asking for help with a cohort of girls.

I’m not an expert but here’s some advice from me on how to move forward if you have a year level of girls (in particular) who are behaving badly towards one another.

1. Conflict in a friendship is normal.
All friendships have conflict! Don’t throw away a friendship because of a fight. If you’re not sure if you should forgive your friend, ask “Is our friendship bigger than this fight?” (advice from my friend writer Debra Disney). Step back and look at the friendship. Be willing to apologise or reach out if you want to keep the friendship because overall it’s a great one.

2. Boundaries are EVERYTHING.
School friendships are a great time for all our kids to learn the important lesson of boundaries – this lesson will carry them through school friendships, romantic relationships and even workplace dynamics. Maya Angelou said, “You teach people how to treat you.” What are your friendship deal-breakers? When someone treats you badly — you can call them out on it. “I really like hanging out with you but I’m not prepared to be spoken to like that.” or “When you make fun of me like that – I feel humiliated. So I’m asking you to stop.” I don’t recommend doing this publicly and making a scene (this is not Real Housewives). Take the person aside and talk to them privately. NOT OVER TEXT. Big conversations have no place online — do it in person. But if your best friend at school routinely puts you down and makes fun of you or excludes you — I would moonwalk outta there. That’s not friendship. Don’t be so desperate to be part of a group that you’re willing to be treated like dirt to be a member. That is too high a price to pay!

3. If someone upsets you — don’t discuss it with everyone else or punish them. That’s called CREATING A DRAMA CYCLONE. You do not need the stress in your life of more drama at school. If someone upsets you — talk to the person about it. And let’s be clear, if someone hurts your feelings or annoys you — you have two choices. You either get over it (it’s entirely possible the person did not intend to hurt your feelings!) OR talk to them about it. The pressure on girls to be “NICE ALL THE TIME” means we often take our anger out in covert ways. This is called relational aggression. We are smiling assassins – freezing people out. Excluding them. Talking about them behind their back. THIS IS CREATING A DRAMA CYCLONE. (C’mon. You have so much going on at school. You do not need MORE DRAMA). Instead — let it go. OR talk to the person privately. Rosalind Wiseman talks about the SEAL method (google it) which is a strategy for addressing conflict.

4. You don’t own your friends. Being possessive is a HUGE TURN OFF and makes you look needy.
Your friends are allowed to be friends with other people!! Try to be chilled out about it. It’s not a rejection of you. There are different levels of friendship — you can be friends/friendly with people in your class or after school activities because you have that class/activity in common. Often the friendship doesn’t go further. You’re friendly when you’re in that class or activity together — that’s normal! Let your friends explore other friendships without feeling scared they are “replacing” you. You can do the same! Allow other friendships into your life knowing they don’t all have to be your BFF.

5. “Friends with some, kind to all”  – Glennon Doyle
You don’t have to be friends with everyone at school. But you need to be kind. Why? Because school is so much easier and more enjoyable when you make the decision to have a cohort that sticks together. Have each other’s backs. Look out for one another. I call this having a #TeamGirlsattitude. Girls supporting girls. Because at some point at school (just like in life) — YOU are going to be the person who suffers a humiliating moment and you will want those kids around you to treat you with compassion and kindness not use your moment of vulnerability against you.

Learning how to navigate friendships is a tricky road and often a lifelong process. I’m 46 and still screw up. We all make bad judgement calls at times. We make decisions based on fear rather than kindness. I get it. But tomorrow is a new day.

Kind but strong. You’ve got this. ❤️