6 RED FLAGS Of A Toxic Friendship

This year I’ve heard some pretty awful stories about teen friendships.

There was Alice who told me her best friend  (Jill) didn’t feel Alice had bought her an expensive enough birthday present (!!), so she was taking Alice’s tuckshop every day to make up for it! (WHAT THE?)

There was Sally who told me how her best friend ignores her at school completely but treats her like a best friend on the weekends when no one else is around.

There was Jackson whose best friend keeps teasing him about his weight.

And there was Anna whose friend Bridget started a war against her because she felt that when Anna came to school with a broken foot she was stealing Bridget’s spotlight and sympathy from her grandmother dying. (Yes, this is a real story with names changed.  A teen’s grandma died which is terrible but she waged war on her best friend for breaking her foot and thereby stealing the limelight from the girls in their grade.)

Houston, we have a problem.

WHY do our kids continue to chase after  ‘friends’ who exclude them and are just plain AWFUL to them?

The annoying thing is we can’t choose our kids friends for them.  Instead all we can do is gently ponder and prod about what THEY think a good friendship looks like.

Learning to recognise a great friendship is a SKILL and it’s something we need to actively teach our kids like tying their shoes or brushing their teeth. We want to teach our kids what a great friendship looks like and fees like AND how to be a great friend to others.

So what are my top six RED FLAGS in friendship?

Glad you asked! Here we go …

1. They’re not consistent. You turn up to school (or, um, work) and sometimes this person is super friendly to you and other times they give you the cold shoulder and ignore you completely.  You’re left wondering where you stand …

2. There are a lot of rules. Who you can talk to. Where you can sit. What your opinion is meant to be (We all hate this teacher/ hate that girl / love Stranger Things/NRL/sushi and if you don’t agree – you’re not one of us).  Most of all this person doesn’t want you to be friendly with everyone at school – instead you’re only allowed to be friends with the right (read: cool) people.

3. There’s a pattern of bad behaviour. Everyone screws up in friendships but look for patterns. If they have routinely humiliated you, betrayed you, excluded you — that’s a big red flag that things aren’t likely to change anytime son.

4. You have to choose between being loyal to the group/that friend and being loyal to your own values. Here’s a tip: if you don’t like who you are when you’re with your friends – RED FLAG!

5. They don’t show up for you. When you get cast as the lead in the school play. When you miss out on a leadership badge. When your dog is really sick at the vet. Friendship is about showing up for people in the good times, in the bad times and in the boring blah times.  It’s not about big performative posts on Instagram – instead it’s about being there for each other.

6. They gossip and share other people’s personal stories with you. I’m telling you – if they gossip with you, they’ll gossip about you. BE WARY!

Are you EXHAUSTED from your child’s friendship dramas this year?

I hear you.

Could your tween or teen use this information?

Get instant access to my NAVIGATING TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS webinar here.